They say that a teacher is like a candle. In order to give light, it has to burn itself, until it burns out.
I couldn't agree more on this apt analogy. True, I'm a candle that has been burning for 14 years now.
It looks like I'm burning out.
Heaven knows I've been working myself to death for almost a decade and a half now. That's practically half my life. Almost a decade and a half of working on my lesson plan till the wee hours, of getting up early in the morning, grading papers, recording grades, dealing with raging hormones, and not having a "private life." That's almost 15 years of being married to a profession that requires you to work even on weekends and holidays.
Perhaps, this is why I'm burning out this early.
When I'm in the classroom, I give my best 98% of the time (2% of the time, I'm either too sick or too tired). I read ten chapters ahead of my students. I come up with new strategies. I don't recycle lesson plans. I go the extra mile with students who want to take the journey beyond the four walls of the classroom. I keep myself updated. I pursued graduate studies and am pursuing post-grad in order to be relevant and credible.
I used to think that creative teachers don't get burned out, because they always find a way to do things differently everyday. What I didn't realize is that trying to be creative everyday of your life can be very exhausting. We're all prone to fatigue and stress, teachers especially.
I can't even tell myself, "Shut it, H. This is what you signed up for." If truth be told, 14 years ago, I'd rather be a proofreader or an editor or a writer. But back then, teaching seemed to be the only "means of generating income" while I was waiting for something "more desirable" to happen to my life. And then, life happened.
I realized now that I was "called" to this profession. I'm tempted to call it a "vocation" or "ministry" or "calling," but, no. I might sound too mushy. I'd like to believe that, when Sister Francesca Montessa, OSA hired me to be a substitute kindergarten teacher at La Consolacion College, she had a prophetic vision that I would one day become a great teacher. I'd love to think that.
Maybe this is what keeps my candle burning-- the thought that, once upon a time, someone believed in me. And, so far, I believe I'm not letting her down. I still burn.
Could be "doomsday anxiety." Could be sheer boredom.
But there's one thing I'm quite certain I'll be doing soon: quit Facebook.
Life before Facebook was okay. Better, in fact, now that I've taken time out to ponder on things that really matter (like most people do, in anticipation of the world's impending end).
There was a time when quitting FB was like tantamount to regressing to the Stone Age, or like confirming I am the founder of "Geek Civilization." But then I figured there are people who get on with their lives better off without such new age distractions as FB, Twitter, My Space, etc.
Maybe I'm a geek, after all. Hyper-introverted, uber-intrapersonal semi-hermetic nerd. But I'd like to think I'm just more cautious, more circumspect, more discerning as I grow older. After all, I'm not getting any younger. I'm also a very private person, which makes me think that joining FB is totally against my grain, totally uncharacteristic of me.
So, after weighing the pro's and con's, there are three very compelling reasons why I should quit FB:
One, FB has been luring me into total self-disclosure: my personal photos, personal profile, whereabouts, etc. -- things I shouldn't be sharing with the world, because this is how I become an unwitting victim of identity thieves, hackers, swindlers, stalkers, etc.
Two, FB has been turning me into an egocentric, narcissistic, self-important vermin who constantly (or secretly) seek other people's approval by posting my best-taken photos and anticipating flattering comments. I'm turning myself into a vacuous teenager at 35!
Three, FB is turning me into a "nosy neighbor," tempting me to sneak a peek into other people's business, go through other people's photos (which they post for public viewing, anyway), and post approving comments to feed other people's bloating (or already bloated) egos.
I recently unearthed something I wrote years ago. It's called "My Principles and Philosophy." All the above-enumerated effects of FB on me go against all of my principles, I found out. I couldn't help thinking how many times I betrayed my self.
I also figured that most of my role models weren't FB junkies. JC, Gandhi, Confucius, and the Buddha weren't on FB, not because there was no FB yet, but because there was no ego to inflate. Their followers would never have considered creating a fan page for them, knowing it's a futile pursuit.
People subscribe to FB for many different reasons and I respect them. But as for me, I have grown tired of this social networking habit. I have more important things to attend to and my 18-hour work schedule just ain't enough.
Woke up this morning to the sweltering heat of the ruthless summer sun. Made myself a cup of coffee. Mug was half-empty when rain came down in torrents. Crazy weather. No wonder some people are driven half-demented these days.
Effects of rain on arid brain, as my poet friend puts it. Someone's already predicted the end of the world. It's this coming weekend.
In the meantime, I'm creating a blog. Might not be too late. I gotta do something to kill time before Time kills me.
Talk about poetic justice.
