11:44 P.M. - "Burning Out"

They say that a teacher is like a candle. In order to give light, it has to burn itself, until it burns out.


I couldn't agree more on this apt analogy. True, I'm a candle that has been burning for 14 years now.

It looks like I'm burning out.


Heaven knows I've been working myself to death for almost a decade and a half now. That's practically half my life. Almost a decade and a half of working on my lesson plan till the wee hours, of getting up early in the morning, grading papers, recording grades, dealing with raging hormones, and not having a "private life." That's almost 15 years of being married to a profession that requires you to work even on weekends and holidays.


Perhaps, this is why I'm burning out this early.


When I'm in the classroom, I give my best 98% of the time (2% of the time, I'm either too sick or too tired). I read ten chapters ahead of my students. I come up with new strategies. I don't recycle lesson plans. I go the extra mile with students who want to take the journey beyond the four walls of the classroom. I keep myself updated. I pursued graduate studies and am pursuing post-grad in order to be relevant and credible.


I used to think that creative teachers don't get burned out, because they always find a way to do things differently everyday. What I didn't realize is that trying to be creative everyday of your life can be very exhausting. We're all prone to fatigue and stress, teachers especially.


I can't even tell myself, "Shut it, H. This is what you signed up for." If truth be told, 14 years ago, I'd rather be a proofreader or an editor or a writer. But back then, teaching seemed to be the only "means of generating income" while I was waiting for something "more desirable" to happen to my life. And then, life happened.


I realized now that I was "called" to this profession. I'm tempted to call it a "vocation" or "ministry" or "calling," but, no. I might sound too mushy. I'd like to believe that, when Sister Francesca Montessa, OSA hired me to be a substitute kindergarten teacher at La Consolacion College, she had a prophetic vision that I would one day become a great teacher. I'd love to think that.




Maybe this is what keeps my candle burning-- the thought that, once upon a time, someone believed in me. And, so far, I believe I'm not letting her down. I still burn.